Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
no, he came in my armpit
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
