it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize