Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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