drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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