All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
