I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
