i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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