She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
