how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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