Your mouth is God's brothel.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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