i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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