Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
