Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
