Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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