The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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