i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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