does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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