look no pants
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
