Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
