if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
