I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize