Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
