What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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