Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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