Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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