Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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