Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
