omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
