that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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