Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
