OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
