I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize