Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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