a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
