I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize