Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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