This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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