Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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