my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
