Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
