Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
