Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
