Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
