I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
