I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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