We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
