i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
