I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize