somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
