So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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