You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
