Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
