Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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