You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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