if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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