Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
