I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
