sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
