brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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