I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
