Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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