I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am midnight drunk by noon
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
