Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
