i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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