Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
