That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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