I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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