i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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