How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
