Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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