If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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