I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
