My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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