Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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