You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
