I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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