Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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