Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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