I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
