So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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